Before I commence with my 2008 crystal ball gazing – one of the most eagerly anticipated features of any security magazine in the world ever at any time – I’d like to briefly speak about my utter disappointment with the behaviour of Security Installer‘s so-called ‘editor’, Mr Alan Hyder.
Regular readers will recall that last month my column made clear that I was going through some very difficult personal issues. It is not unusual for those of us in the high-pressure world of the installation sector to experience stress-related ‘mini-breakdowns’, as you are all aware. These are generally the result of external pressure, and no fault of our own. We are human. Deal with it.
So it was with a sense of weary resignation that I read Mr Hyder’s December 2007 editorial, in which he had the gumption to suggest that the ‘Last Orders’ column, an example of which you are reading now, exists merely to ‘cheer people up’! Is he mad?
This column offers profound insights into the life of the installer. It is deep, and it carries much intellectual weight. Any ‘witty observations’ – and I acknowledge that I am blessed with this delightful ability – must be seen as secondary to the sheer philosophising and mental probing that is my true gift. Comparing me with minor musical footnote Nick Drake does no one any favours. It is sad to see a respected security commentator such as Mr Hyder sink to the level of mocking a man – some might say a great man, but that’s neither here nor there – experiencing a dark patch in his life. Shame on you, Mr Hyder. Shame. Shame.
So, let’s crack on with my security predictions for 2008!
The soft touch
As we’re all aware, the ‘hot topic’ in security these days is garment care. Work shirts are often stiff and uncomfortable, so it’s vitally important that a high quality softening conditioner is used when laundering workwear. This is something my mother often neglects.
I have lost count of the number of times a day’s work has been wasted due to the itchy or uncomfortable feelings generated by a ‘non-soft’ shirt, trousers, or God forbid, undergarment. Occasionally these lost days will irritate a client, who feels that because they are paying for a day’s work to be done, a day’s work should be completed. Unfortunately, when it comes to badly laundered clothing, the average installer, such as myself, can be rendered effectively incapable.
Thank goodness, then, that a new and visionary firm is launching a combined fabric conditioner, softener, and laundering liquid in one, designed specifically for today’s modern, hard working security installer (or his mother or wife). (Or her husband or father, I imagine. Though that seems strange for some reason.)
This miracle product, due to be launched in time for the annual ‘Spring washing’ season, is called ‘FilthOut’, and is produced by Sadman Industries.
Total control
Another surefire ‘hit’ product in 2008 is the Budget Access Control Kit (or BACK) from Bollo Locks (Access) Ltd. This innovative new system proves the maxim that ‘The simple things in life are often available at a value price for those with an eye for a bargain and a keen sense of their own financial wellbeing’.
The genius of this particular product lies in its practicality and adaptability. On the surface the system appears to be simply some signs and banners with the words ‘No Entry’ or ‘Do not Enter’ written on them. However, once correctly deployed by a qualified installer, these tremendous access control units effectively limit the entry points to any given office or building, CONTROLLING the ACCESS visitors, or possibly enemies, may have.
The only potential drawback is that their effectiveness may be diminished in areas where literacy rates are low. However, this should provide further incentive for the government to invest in adult learning programmes.
When oh when will they learn that reading, writing and arithmetic (the three RWAs) are of vital importance to a culture relying on them for some kind of security? Instead they focus their time and attention on piffle and trifles such as war, football and the Olympic Games.
Sign o’ the times
In this spirit, 2008 will be the year I really push ahead with ‘Sign Up for Security’ (or possibly ‘Sign Up 4 Security’. Kids will probably like that one better. I haven’t decided). This is my campaign to put signs up everywhere that there may be potential for crime or other bad things to happen. I mentioned it earlier, and now I really, really mean it.
But adult literacy programmes are key to its success. If the government decides it has the ‘cojones’ (Spanish meatballs) to put some money where its big fat head is, I will be more than willing to sell my idea at a very reasonable price.
In the spirit of togetherness, I offer this sign, to be erected anywhere there may be trouble.
‘CALM DOWN. THERE REALLY IS NO NEED TO MAKE A SCENE. JUST THINK ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK TO OTHERS. LEAVE IT, OK? THANKS.’
Oh, and Happy New Year.