Yes, I’m talking about a camera. But this one is special. How special? Very special. Very special indeed. Indeed!
According to the manufacturer, Bollo Locks (Moving Picture Camera Division) International, the camera is “very unique” in that it is “powered by a special technology: MAGIC”.
What?
Yes, you read correctly. MAGIC. It seemed unbelievable to me as well, until I was told otherwise by a very nice salesman from Bollo.
His utterly convincing and sincere patter persuaded me beyond a shadow of a smidgen of a doubt that this was indeed not only the future of the industry, but the future of the FUTURE, also.
I got so excited that I took all of the promotional literature he was offering me. This is what some of it said.
“Introducing the new Super Awesome MegaZoom(TM) TotalActionDome(TM) from Bollo Locks (MPCD) International(TM) powered by MAGIC. It’s not sleight of hand, it’s MAGIC!(TM)
“The Super Awesome MegaZoom(TM) TotalActionDome(TM) is a revolutionary concept in camera technology, featuring a dome housing that is able to withstand temperatures HOTTER THAN THE SUN, as well as all new MAGIC technology which allows crispier images and tastier subjects, and an array of pixels equivalent in number to a shower of raindrops from HEAVEN ITSELF!”
These claims sounded intriguing. Donning my reading hat (a modified bicycle helmet with space for glasses, useful in case I fall asleep in a precarious position, such as up a ladder, or on a bicycle), I continued.
Interesting…
Flicking to another page, I spied this amazing nugget: “When the Super Awesome MegaZoom(TM) TotalActionDome(TM) concept was announced, installers and end users around the world held spontaneous street parties, with huge firework displays and world famous musicians playing free concerts out of sheer, unbridled joy. In other areas, the response was even MORE enthusiastic! thankfully, the Super Awesome MegaZoom(TM) TotalActionDome(TM) doesn’t fail to disappoint.
“One of the key secrets to the success of the Super Awesome MegaZoom(TM) TotalActionDome(TM) (powered by MAGIC!) is its user-friendliness. It is so user friendly, in fact, that the user themselves MAY NOT EVEN REALISE they are using it! In some circumstances, they may be ACTIVELY OPPOSED to using this revolutionary new CCTV product!
“All day, every day, we are bombarded with security ‘solutions’. And here at Bollo Locks (MPCD) International(TM), we’re absolutely no different. We love providing solutions! And we really truly believe that the Super Awesome MegaZoom(TM) TotalActionDome(TM), which is powered by MAGIC, offers more and greater solutions than any other product available on the market today, or tomorrow! In fact, this unit is so advanced that it will actually CREATE NEW PROBLEMS simply in order to provide additional solutions – all at NO EXTRA COST to installers or end users!”
I turned to another page. Here the anonymous author was looking in more depth at the camera’s individual components.
“The Super Awesome MegaZoom(TM) TotalActionDome(TM) uses screws made from a metallic substance so powerful and resistant to youths that it has been compared by some experts in the world to the real-life equivalent of Superman’s kryptonite, except slightly less powerful and affecting only bad guys!
“The camera’s lens focuses so intently and with such force that the subjects of its gaze have actually reported experiencing HEADACHES when they have been caught on camera! In fact, one criminal KEELED OVER AND DIED after the Super Awesome MegaZoom(TM) TotalActionDome(TM) captured him fecklessly jaywalking!
“This camera is SO COOL that hip hop stars have taken to WEARING them on their HEADS as HELMETS to intensify their ‘gangsta’ image! WOW!”
I am sold
By this stage, I was sold. Without really thinking about it, I had ordered half a dozen of the GB pound 1500 units, with no jobs in the pipeline where they might come in handy. I was that impressed.
In fact, I think what impressed me most was the sheer number of capital letters used to describe these fairly ordinary looking dome cameras. To be honest, the specs suggested that they were, in many ways, totally inferior to the average dome camera in almost every respect.
But those capital letters… They are very seductive. By my nature, I am a brilliant, trusting individual, so the very thought that the people responsible for marketing these cameras were that excited that the only way they could express themselves was to appear to be SHOUTING on the page – well, it made me smile at their gleeful enthusiasm.
The cameras arrive in two weeks, on special delivery. I am prepared for one of the greatest thrills in my life.