I’m not usually given to self-indulgence or egotism, so I have surprised myself recently by spending lengthy periods of time pondering the potential for a film of my life.
To you, as a reader of my prose, this is probably not an unusual concept – in many ways you would probably expect it to be the natural evolution of my work in these pages. But for me, as a humble and selfless individual, it is quite an excruciating notion to consider the millions and millions of viewers who would enjoy seeing the story of my life played out on the silver screen.
Sometimes you have to face the facts about yourself. When you are a celebrity – even a reluctant celebrity, as I am – there is an expectation, from the public, that you will reveal more of yourself, information-wise and, sometimes, physically, than is the general norm today. And much as I hate to draw attention to myself, this is a burden I suppose I am just going to have to shoulder – in the public interest.
Succumbing to fans
As a consequence, I have resigned myself to the fact that at some stage the clamour for a film about myself and my life will become overwhelming, and I will bow to the pressure.
And because this is the case, I think it’s probably worth my while sorting out my own preferences in terms of filmic style, casting choices and so on. After all, you don’t need these decisions being taken out of your hands by the mirthless moneymen, do you? No, you do not. And one of my highest priorities will be ensuring that the film makers are totally and utterly accurate and authentic in their portrayal of a working security installer.
As you know, unstinting realism is the hallmark of my writing in this column, and indeed in all aspects of my life. As a young person might say, I “keep it realistic”. So this sort of hard-nosed pragmatism should be reflected in the film itself.
But – and you may not be aware of this – I also have a very vivid imagination, and lead a rich fantasy life. This may not be apparent through my writing, but it is definitely an element of my innermost personality, and as such I think it should be represented in some way on-screen.
I also believe I have lived a life of quiet dignity, respecting and assisting others while refusing charity and walking with my head held high. I think it would be best if the actor cast to play the role of ‘me’ in the film of my life should also be able to project these qualities. Therefore, I suggest casting either Vin Diesel or, if necessary, Jack Nicholson, in this crucial part.
Crucial factors
So these are the three crucial factors: realism, fantasy, and Vin Diesel or Jack Nicholson. I find that simplifying things in this way makes them easier to understand.
Taking these three elements as the ‘holy trinity’ of the film, I would like to see a movie about me that carefully, painstakingly – almost tediously – pays attention to the minutiae of the installer’s life. I think long sequences reading out catalogue numbers of different bits of kit to distributors and clients would add a stillness, a calmness to a project which, by its very nature, would be a rollercoaster ride of action and emotions and laughs and raw, uninhibited sexual tension.
Alongside this gritty realism – which would use montage sequences to illustrate my mother nagging at me, over the course over decades, to ‘get out of bed!’ – the film would benefit from a number of extended fantasy sequences.
In the first of these – which would follow on from a 15-minute single shot scene showing me (played by Vin Diesel or Jack Nicholson) laying down in the back of my van, and then falling asleep – I would be an astronaut on a space rocket. My crew would be made up entirely of ridiculously attractive women who are onboard to test the properties of the newly developed ‘space bikini’. They would be very very very keen to cater for my every need, and would enjoy floating around etc as they ask for my opinion on everything from world politics to the music of The Alarm and Duran Duran. After a crisis of some sort we would be forced to land on a planet full of space ladies, who look like Earth ladies but are more attracted to security installers. There I would rule like a king, and win regularly at space darts and be served free pints in space pubs.
Artistic freedom
The other fantasy sequences in the film would follow this format, except I would be napping in slightly different locations each time, and each fantasy sequence would feature a subtle increase in the number of women working for and with me, and a subtle decrease in the amount of clothing they are keen to wear/tolerate.
I think these sequences would reinforce, in a novel and entertaining fashion, the sheer impact of my quiet, yet accomplished life. The semi-clad ladies represent my respect and credibility in the installation world, while the space ladies represent the numerous satisfied customers who have been a real hallmark of my installation career.
Other than these core elements, I think it would be best to allow the film makers free range when it comes to artistic decisions. The last thing they need when creating an epic artwork is the subject of that artwork constantly trying to interfere and influence the production. That would be quite rude.
