I’m very much like John Rambo, the protagonist in Sylvester Stallone’s series of ‘Rambo’ films, although the first one was actually just called ‘First Blood’. It’s still part of the series, though.
How am I like John Rambo? Well, I kill thousands of people all the time and I have a real fondness for human growth hormone. Just kidding! Haha hahaha! In fact, I have never tried human growth hormone. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t try it if someone offered me some, I just don’t believe I should be actively seeking stimulants to help me do my work. I am busy enough as it is.
The reason I am like John Rambo is that I am an unlikely survivor. I am. Many people have weighed up my chances of survival in any number of given locations and, when asked to make their assessment audible, murmured: “It’s unlikely.”
I have attended more IFSECs than have actually been held, and I have the scars to prove it somewhere. If you don’t believe me, you are no longer my friend.
Serious advice
Here’s my advice. Make sure you run from stand to stand. Run. Literally. It helps to confuse not only your competitors, but also your colleagues and potential business partners. Sometimes there are lovely ladies standing about and they are always charmed by this kind of behaviour. These ladies are generally pre-occupied in preparing themselves for my arrival, however, so don’t be upset if they ignore you anyway.
Also, other visitors enjoy being jostled and bumped as you dash past them, so ensure you keep your elbows wide and do not deviate from your path. This is the way to lasting respect.
In fact, I remember back to when I first heard about IFSEC. I’m informed by the publishers and event organisers that it is 35 years old this year. Well, back then IFSEC was but a twinkle in somebody’s eye, an excuse for a day or two of extra-curricular activity and a general wink/nudge session.
Years later, when it came my turn to visit this illustrious show/institution, I made numerous idiotic rookie errors. I wore high heeled shoes and a very, very hot and restrictive outfit (actually a diving suit, as was the fashion at the time. I thought I was Adam Ant!)
I took a hell of a lot of prescription drugs – not the fun amount, way, way more than that – and wandered around in a semi-narcoleptic haze, my trouser buttons undone and my dignity hanging out for all to see. While this sort of behaviour is common nowadays, back then it was truly shocking, and made the daily news bulletins as well as a programme on Radio 4 called ‘Carte blanche: has the security industry quite finished humiliating the rest of the nation yet or what?’, presented by Sir David Frost.
Errors galore
In addition to this national humiliation, the Birmingham News Sentinel dedicated its front page and 48 pages of its issue that week to an expose of me and my background. Now normally when this sort of thing has happened, I have had no problem with it whatsoever.
Sure, it’s a little embarrassing having your face or some other part of your drunken body splashed all over the media, but today’s news is tomorrow’s fish and chips or tramp covering, so do I really, really care? No, I do not.
But this sorry excuse for a newspaper, despite getting almost all of its facts right, chose to portray me as some kind of buffoon, some kind of foolish moron, a security industry Boris Johnson figure, hopelessly screwing up and going from one catastrophe to the next, leaving a trail of destruction and stupidity in my wake.
How dare they? How dare this so-called ‘publication’ depict me in this fashion? If I had access to a lawyer or a witness or anyone at all to support me or back me up in any fashion I would have sued them for libel. As it turned out, I was the only person who thought they had wronged me.
But this pretty much proves my point, I think.
Anyway – IFSEC, then. It really is the greatest security show on Earth. My major suggestion to you is just, y’know, control yourself a little, and if there are any regional newspaper reporters hanging about, act natural until they go away. It’s for the best.
