On a personal level, I’m going to be busy at the show. Extremely busy. Not only do I have all of the usual appointments to attend with a host of systems and guarding solutions suppliers, but there’s also the evening events (the IFSEC Awards, the Norbain Gala and Panasonic’s PPI Awards) and several conferences to chair in my capacity as Editor of SMT. The conferences and lunchtime debates are going to be very special, but there’s much preparation involved and I’ll need to get my skates on with the research as soon as we reconvene after the Bank Holiday! After all, failing to prepare is preparing to fail… and I don’t consider failure an option. Never have.
Yesterday, while beginning the intricate task of compiling my IFSEC Matrix (a little chart listing all the company names, timings and stand numbers for my appointments on each day of the show), my mind began to wander… I’m going to be involved in around 60 meetings at the show (if last year’s dashing around the stands is anything to go by), and it struck me that this offers plenty of opportunity for the Buzzy Bees to strut their stuff in determinedly adding something ‘new’ to the Buzzword Bingo Lingo Library.
I’m talking, of course, of sales folk who just love to perpetuate the concept first popularised so hilariously in a famous Dilbert comic strip dating back to 1994. The first two frames of the cartoon had Wally explaining the rules of Buzzword Bingo and passing out the ‘Bingo card’ (containing ‘business speak’ phrases and words… when those in the room hear one of these words jump from the mouth of the manager doing the talking, they cross it off their list… first one to cross out all the terms wins!). In the last frame, the boss remarks: “You’re very attentive today. My proactive leadership must be working!” to which Wally replies: “Bingo, Sir!”
Of late, I’ve been privy to some truly breathtaking examples of the genre. Breathtaking in so far as I didn’t think people could dream up such patheticisms [sic] and say them with conviction, not to mention a straight face.
My favourite one to hate with vehemence at the moment is ‘going forward’ (as in: “What do we need to do going forward?”) It’s risible. What else are you supposed to do? Go backwards or sideways? Then there’s ‘…park that idea’. What? Spare me, please.
The daddy of them all was told to me by a friend only last week. In one of the work meetings he attended, his boss piped up with this little gem: “We’re in a situation where we absolutely must shoot the crocodile nearest the boat”. Yes, I know what you’re thinking but I kid you not.
Anyway, if you want to have some fun at IFSEC and take away the pain of those sore feet, I’d like to help you draft your own Buzzword Bingo Lingo Card. These are some of the phrases which I’ve collated with the help of colleagues and friends in the business world. Here goes (and if you don’t believe some of them, well… Let me tell you they are NOT made up, folks!)…
(1) “It’s time for a thought shower…”
(2) “Boil the ocean and see what happens…”
(3) “Put this one to bed…”
(4) “Take that offline…”
(5) “Grab the low-hanging fruit…”
(6) “Horizontalise the verticals…”
(7) “Run that one up the flagpole…”
(8) “Let the chips fall where they may…”
(9) “Make sure we’re on the same page…”
(10) “Are we in the tailwind on this one?…”
(11) “Cross-collateralisation is paramount…”
(12) “Let’s table that notion…”
(13) “We need to take the helicopter view on this one…”
(14) “If we’re not careful they’re going to eat our lunch…”
Can you recall any meaningless babble like this to which you’ve been subjected of late? If so, let me know via e-mail at: [email protected] or use the comment facility at the end of this Blog. The best (or most cringeworthy) response will win a GB pound 25 drinks voucher!
Must go now. I have to leverage an opportunity to grab the mind share of the bloke who works as a refreshment technician in the sandwich shop across the road…
