It’s a big deal these days, I’m told. And I, for one, am very much in favour of it. It’s easy money.
And the beauty of it is that you can do all these ‘green’ things and you don’t have to have a guilty conscience. People love it! If they feel good about themselves, you feel good about yourself and your bank balance.
You will probably not be surprised to learn that I am particularly in favour of the notion of ‘energy saving’ schemes.
I will often tell a client that I am ‘saving energy’ by sitting in the van and yelling instructions to them as they install or maintain their own security equipment. It makes them feel like they are involved in the process. In some ways, they actually are!
Less is more
Another way of ‘reducing emissions’ (eat less beans! Hahahaha) is for me not to actually drive anywhere at any time ever.
Not always practical, obviously, but again, it is good for the environment and allows the customer to do the majority of the work him or herself.
One of the things I like to do is to ‘reduce my carbon footprint’. The major difficulty, however, is the fact that I’m not entirely certain what a carbon footprint is, or what it involves. My initial thought, on hearing the phrase, was that it was the sort of fossilised thing that dinosaurs left behind.
I’m pretty sure I’m not responsible for fossilised footprints – my mum would kill me – so on that front, I thought, I was pretty safe. Reducing them would be an absolute doddle.
However, discussing the issue with my good friend Guthead at our preferred drinking establishment The King’s Legs, I realised that not only was I mistaken, I was actually very very drunk indeed. This drunkenness provided me with a source of comfort in the face of this terrible error.
It emerged that a ‘carbon footprint’ had more to do with turning off electrical appliances and not flying a helicopter to work. Or so I gather.
But surely ‘footprint’ isn’t the best possible description for this kind of long term effect? Footprints leave an immediate imprint, and allow small children to follow you through the snow.
Whereas this carbon footprint notion isn’t really visible at all, to me, and the actual effect is probably some years away from being felt. Maybe it should be described as some kind of evil carbon time capsule. I don’t know. I am not in charge of this sort of thing.
More or less
An option that I have been toying with recently is that of dramatically increasing my carbon usage/environmental unfriendliness, in order to reduce it enormously later on and receive massive plaudits from every man and his dog for being a fantastic guy etc. I am not sure whether anyone would consider this a cynical move.
Perhaps it doesn’t matter. As long as what I’m doing is perceived to be better than what I was doing in the past, I think I can honestly say that I have improved, even if the early, shoddy bits were entirely intentional.
In fact, when you think about it, this is probably what most service providers do as standard practice.
It turns out that I have been future-proofing my income by doing slipshod work followed by maintenance call outs, when I was under the impression that I was simply being lazy, or relaxed. It makes a big difference to give these things the correct names, I find.
Speaking of which, I discovered the other day that my mother had made plans to name me differently if I had been born a girl. I know you probably think this is no big deal, but it genuinely shocked me, as I had never ever thought about being anyone other than myself in my entire life.
I don’t think going around pretending to be someone else, even in your own mind, is a decent or noble thing to do. To me, that is identity theft. Even if there is no real identity to be stolen. It’s not your identity, so it’s like stealing from God. Or so I believe.
Anyway, my mother said that she would have named me Ella if I was a girl baby.
Magic happens
Many of you have written to me for an update on my Super Awesome MegaZoom(TM) TotalActionDome(TM) (powered by MAGIC!) purchase from Bollo Locks (Moving Picture Camera Division) International.
For those of you who may not remember, I ordered six of these exciting pieces of kit after reading some high quality and informative sales literature.
You will be pleased to know that despite the fact none of the GB pound 1500 units have arrived with me as yet, I have been reassured by a voicemail message which I have heard on the Bollo customer service line, which explains that my concerns are unfounded and that there is no chance whatsoever that my money, which I have paid up front, has been stolen.
And that is a genuine relief. More companies should provide this level of reassuring service.
