Initially I thought this was a terribly bad idea, as it revealed to all and sundry the fact that they were being observed and, indeed, filmed. It was explained to me, however, that this was precisely their purpose – that we, as an industry, were meant to broadcast our activities, to reveal to all and sundry exactly what it is we get up to. And there are laws forcing us to!
The world has gone mad. Mad with insanity. Insanity and idiocy. And pure stupidity.
However, I thought to myself as I kept an eye out for parking attendants while spending a little quality time parked up in a disabled bay – if we’re forced to put these signs up all over the place, why don’t we put some up that are actually useful and/or informative?
No legal worries
As usual in this country/world, my ideas were routinely snubbed or ignored by the authorities when I humbly suggested them. So I have decided on a proactive approach to updating security signage: I plan to put up my own.
The legal issues are nonexistent, as I am performing a public service, so don’t worry about that. I, for one, am not. And neither is my good friend Guthead, who is helping me to erect the signs in exchange for kipping in my van whilst he and his good lady wife sort out their differences. Some of my acquaintances who have been to art galleries have commented on the fact that, in addition to being valuable and useful security tools, my signs bear all the hallmarks of modern conceptual art, with the urban landscape serving as my exhibition space, and the man or woman in the street my audience. I, for one, would certainly not go that far, or attach that much significance to the signs (or ‘artworks’); all I would suggest is that there is a darned sight more artistic credibility and skill in my handiwork than any of the nonsense exhibited in that monstrosity of a public building, the Tate Modern.
What’s your sign?
The signs are being erected anywhere I have deemed that they might be useful. Feel free to make some of your own, and we can take this project nationwide! Here are a few examples to get your imaginative juices flowing.
Example 1. (For use outside schools, penny arcades, juke ‘joints’, or other areas where ‘youth’ may congregate.)
Attention youths.
You are being monitored by Closed Circuit Television. Yes, it’s not an ideal situation, we know, but if you insist on beating up old women and robbing sweet shops and wearing those ‘hood’ type outfits then you can expect to be caught on camera. And before you start going on about it, it’s got nothing to do with you being ‘discovered’ by a record producer or film maker or anything like that. It’s not a ‘showcase’ for your ‘talent’. You have none. We can also think of better things to do with our time than watch you hang around shops picking your noses and making moronic, ‘intimidatory’ grunts at passers-by. But if you insist on being young and feckless, we insist on the right to hound you until you GO AWAY.
Example 2. (For use wherever potential burglars might be.)
Are you a burglar? Are you thinking of taking up burgling?
Well, think again, my friend. Anecdotal evidence and (probably) actual genuine studies prove that burglarising is one of the least sensible career options that you can take up, worse than being a traffic warden, a used car salesman or a television personality. It is almost worse than being a politician. Yes. It is THAT bad. Another reason not to get into burglary is that IT IS NOT YOUR STUFF. You can’t just go around stealing things out of people’s homes. Imagine how you would feel if someone took your things. Pretty bad, huh? So DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. Also, everyone hates burglars, so you will find it very difficult to get ahead in life, as you won’t be able to rent a flat, no one will buy you a pint and your wife or girlfriend (or husband/boyfriend, I guess) will leave you for a law abiding citizen, probably a really cool and attractive person like a security installer. Ha ha ha ha ha – so there! Ha ha.
Example 3. (For use in any situation at any time.)
Do not kidnap anybody.
Kidnapping is frowned upon in this area.
Do it yourself
I’m sure that if we combine our talents and our skills and our sheer bloody-mindedness we can cover this great land with our own brand of PRACTICAL security signage.
Who wouldn’t like to see an Example 2 outside of their house or place of work? Who wouldn’t smile to themselves at the sheer common sense of an Example 1 installed outside a comprehensive school? And who wouldn’t make a mental note not to kidnap anybody as they pass by an Example 3 as they go about their daily business?
Not me, that’s for sure. And not you, I’d hazard a guess. Let’s make this nation great again. Let’s SIGN UP for SECURITY!
(I invented this slogan myself.)
